Two Dreams

Now more than ever I can't believe that my mom is gone. I had a dream about you last night mom. The second one ever!  And now, both times right when I saw you I woke up. Dangit!! 

First dream:

James was doing something and you popped in and said something like, "he's gonna really be good at this" and just the sound of your voice woke me up.

Second dream, You walked in the door of our condo with Dad and Kris a la Thanksgiving. You were smiling from ear to ear. You walked in first almost rushing in all the way to thr edge of the counter...And you pointed Down to your legs that you had to wear these pantyhose now, laughing looking down and put both hands on your thighs and pulled them out a little and let them snap back in place lifting up your long black gown to show us. Jason helped lift it and I saw your stomach which looked smooth and tanned.  The black gown went up and I looked at your face- and we both had that look like  we both knew you'd been through something and didn't look quite right - your shoulders or neck wasn't totally straight but you were smiling and laughing and seemed happy you arrived. A little out of breath and relieved to be done traveling.  Then Kris started talking about quitting her job and the three of us were standing together and you agreed saying, "it was the best thing."

Holy+Holy+

The minute James put on his new white Van's for his baptism last July, I kinda knew he was in trouble. He was just learning to walk and he would run full speed into walls. So, with a thicker shoe than he normally wore, he was also tripping all over the place and I was overwhelmed with worry. He ended up bruising his head, biting his lip getting blood on his outfit. Oh boy.

Did I enjoy the day? Yes. Was it stressful looking back, no. But James is all consuming at times and takes away from my full hearted conversations with adults. That's why I'm taking a moment to remember his baptism today. And those that attended. Kris sang, the pastor was amazing. But why do I struggle to see mom in my memory. Think think think. It's like I'm blinded by caring for James and that distraction won't let me remember her. She's there though. Front and center, sitting in the second pew with Dad. Proud as heck. She loved James to pieces and I pushed to make this moment happen last year.

Maybe it was all the planning and coordination. What dress should Kris wear? None of my clothes fit. We stayed and Karen and Joe's house so we were all over the map stretching ourselves thin to spend time with everyone. Or how I wanted brunch but mom planned an afternoon party a la every party ever that happens at our house. Pretty sure James slept through the entire thing and we didn't cut the cake till really late that day for some reason- I think I insisted on taking a picture or something. The meatballs and italian beefs tasted great and everyone seemed happy.

No matter the little things, I remember it was a great day. And the beginning of a great week spent in Illinois. A celebration of James' life. Plus, in addition to this photo I captured some great pics from the week. That would have been the last time I saw mom in person if you don't count Skype. I am planning to bronze those shoes in memory of a wonderful day with the family and a story to be able to share with James for years to come.

Life Needs Some Tour Guides

Everyone has their own perspective about relationships, commute times, how to raise your kids etc, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that when you lose a loved one- everyone deals with that in their own way. But from my recent experience, have to say, after laying the cards out on the table...and explaining to longtime colleagues the way it all went down for mom- it's amazing the reactions I got- everything from "sounds like she was full of life and an amazing woman, I'll remember this conversation when I lose a parent" to "oh please let God pick that exit strategy for me too- she's lucky" to "zero pain, that's the real blessing"- it just amazed me how many could totally relate- and not just that- actually comment on what an amazing person she must have been. These people have never met mom, yet someone commented that if she was doing exactly what she wanted to be doing the day she passed away- she wasn't bogged down with medications and the like- God was kind. Never thought about it that way. But- I will always reference and remember the classmate who told me at Mom's memorial that Mom ran out into the parade while he was on his Harley and gave him a big hug that Sunday afternoon. Not even sure who that guy was- but it proves Mom was serving her community, celebrating life and that was important to her. One of my colleagues I shared mom's story with is the same age as my parents. He said he just wants to show up everyday and live life, and worries (at his age) what might happen to him and how it might go down. He gave his condolences to me about mom and said, "in a way, its an uplifting story to me at my age, doing what she loved to do, plus it being instant and pain free." That's perspective. And it's something I need to hear. He said, "Glad I could help, this life needs some tour guides" and I agree.

Mom's Magic

Mom, two weeks before you passed away you helped raise 22k with Grace Lutheran Church for the annual Mistletoe Magic event. This was taken at the event. I loved hearing the stories about decorating and how you put your personal touch on everything in the showroom. And the crafts you were making! What an achievement. Your love of homemade goodness now lives in many homes. I think of you every day and night and miss you very much. But my heart and mind won't let me believe your spirit is gone. A true reflection of all the good work you did and continue to do in our lives. You should be proud of us mom. We are living proof that you taught us well. I know you. You said, "I'll be fine" and you were spiritually ready for anything that came your way. Thanks for showing us your strength. It gives me strength everyday.
Love,
Lynette