Merry Christmas!

Two Matchbox Cars Behind My Back

Mom & Dad Shadows

Just before...

This is right before James puked everywhere at this new burger joint in town. He was spinning spinning spinning in the chair...yikes!

Summer sample.

I've been keeping tabs. My husband is so handsome all day and all night.

Summer's comin'

Skylight

by Lynette Carlock

The graffiti I saw on the path is left
Untounched for the walking wounded
Scribbled like hope it says
Live your life

The words painted a skylight above
The whole neighborhood by someone
Who doesn't live here
Someone saved it to save you

He guides the birds to their nest
Talks to the rush of traffic
Points to the sky and says
Mother earth is your pillow
She would want you to be yourself

Good Timing

I was searching my work email for some info from indie record reps -and bumped into this email exchange between my mom and I.  This is from before she was diagnosed, before I was pregnant, before just about everything crazy that has happened in the last 2 1/2 years.  Just a normal Mom and me conversation focused around holiday food...a pretty important subject for any holiday.  I've got my lamb mold and with Easter just around the corner, I'm happy to have stumbled upon this email exchange.  It's like it was meant to be.  Love you, Mom.

:-)

I WROTE:

 On Fri, Apr 2, 2010 at 9:03 AM, White, Lynette

 <Lynette.White@xmradio.com> wrote:

 Mom,

I heard you have your email up and running!  That's great.  No more

confusion.

I made some Easter egg shaped sugar cookies and we are going to color

 them this weekend.  I'm having another horribly busy week filled to

 the brim so it will be fun to decorate them.

 I went to Michaels and AC Moore to buy a Lamb Cake mold and they were

 sold out!  Oh well, the cookies will be fun.

Maybe a lamb cake next year.  How's everything at home, is it getting green yet?

  Lynette

MOM WROTE

From: eileen white [mailto:eileenwhite723@gmail.com]

 Sent: Friday, April 02, 2010 6:43 PM

 To: White, Lynette

 Subject: Re: Hey Mom!

 Sorry your work fills you to the brin.   I know doing the cookies will

 be good for you.   I have a lamb cake mold and I will get it to you for

 next year.   I usually did a pound cake recipe for the body.   What's

 for dinner on Easter?   I'm not sure I like this gmail, but everything

 is coming to me direct.    I have 74 messages.   Love you both, mom

I WROTE

On 4/3/10, White, Lynette <Lynette.White@xmradio.com> wrote:

The cookies turned out great.  Great flavor (lemon zest) and baked

 perfect.  And I put almond flavoring in the frosting.  I've finally

 found the perfect decorating combo.  We had the Cooper's over last

 night and had dinner then decorated the cookies.  Of course the boys

 were writing swear words with frosting and then eating them.  Jason

 got bored pretty quick and took pictures - but overall it was fun.

 I have tons of frosting left over in all colors.  They are all still

 in the bags in the fridge.  Pink, blue, purple, green yellow and white.

 Now what?

 I'm back at work today - working on a project.  Jason is here with me,

 doing work too.

We'll probably make something for Easter dinner, but not sure what. 

 You know how much I love ham! (haha - not a huge fan)

What are you making?

 L

MOM WROTE: 

Cookie decorating evening, what fun!!!   Buy some graham crackers for

the left over icing and spread it between like a sandwich cookie.

It's really good.   Did you get my e-mail about the lamb cake mold?

I'm still not sure about the g-mail address, but I got 87 responses to

go through.   Yes, we are having a ham for Easter dinner.   I buy the

ham with the bone in (shank).   Dad says the meat by the bone is alway

very tender.   We will put brown sugar, pineapple and cloves on it to

cook.   Some times I make spilt pea soup with the bone.   We'll call

tomorrow.

Love, mom

My two favs!

James at the Park!

Live Your Life, Live Your Life, Live Your Life

A friend of mine showed me this video yesterday and it really hit home.  Thought you would appreciate it.

Click here for the video.

Graduating class of 2012. Miss you Mom.

WOW, Mom graduates with some pretty hefty talent for sure! I love You MOM!!

James @ 20 months

Say cheese! James on Super Bowl Sunday :)

Two Dreams

Now more than ever I can't believe that my mom is gone. I had a dream about you last night mom. The second one ever!  And now, both times right when I saw you I woke up. Dangit!! 

First dream:

James was doing something and you popped in and said something like, "he's gonna really be good at this" and just the sound of your voice woke me up.

Second dream, You walked in the door of our condo with Dad and Kris a la Thanksgiving. You were smiling from ear to ear. You walked in first almost rushing in all the way to thr edge of the counter...And you pointed Down to your legs that you had to wear these pantyhose now, laughing looking down and put both hands on your thighs and pulled them out a little and let them snap back in place lifting up your long black gown to show us. Jason helped lift it and I saw your stomach which looked smooth and tanned.  The black gown went up and I looked at your face- and we both had that look like  we both knew you'd been through something and didn't look quite right - your shoulders or neck wasn't totally straight but you were smiling and laughing and seemed happy you arrived. A little out of breath and relieved to be done traveling.  Then Kris started talking about quitting her job and the three of us were standing together and you agreed saying, "it was the best thing."

Holy+Holy+

The minute James put on his new white Van's for his baptism last July, I kinda knew he was in trouble. He was just learning to walk and he would run full speed into walls. So, with a thicker shoe than he normally wore, he was also tripping all over the place and I was overwhelmed with worry. He ended up bruising his head, biting his lip getting blood on his outfit. Oh boy.

Did I enjoy the day? Yes. Was it stressful looking back, no. But James is all consuming at times and takes away from my full hearted conversations with adults. That's why I'm taking a moment to remember his baptism today. And those that attended. Kris sang, the pastor was amazing. But why do I struggle to see mom in my memory. Think think think. It's like I'm blinded by caring for James and that distraction won't let me remember her. She's there though. Front and center, sitting in the second pew with Dad. Proud as heck. She loved James to pieces and I pushed to make this moment happen last year.

Maybe it was all the planning and coordination. What dress should Kris wear? None of my clothes fit. We stayed and Karen and Joe's house so we were all over the map stretching ourselves thin to spend time with everyone. Or how I wanted brunch but mom planned an afternoon party a la every party ever that happens at our house. Pretty sure James slept through the entire thing and we didn't cut the cake till really late that day for some reason- I think I insisted on taking a picture or something. The meatballs and italian beefs tasted great and everyone seemed happy.

No matter the little things, I remember it was a great day. And the beginning of a great week spent in Illinois. A celebration of James' life. Plus, in addition to this photo I captured some great pics from the week. That would have been the last time I saw mom in person if you don't count Skype. I am planning to bronze those shoes in memory of a wonderful day with the family and a story to be able to share with James for years to come.

Life Needs Some Tour Guides

Everyone has their own perspective about relationships, commute times, how to raise your kids etc, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that when you lose a loved one- everyone deals with that in their own way. But from my recent experience, have to say, after laying the cards out on the table...and explaining to longtime colleagues the way it all went down for mom- it's amazing the reactions I got- everything from "sounds like she was full of life and an amazing woman, I'll remember this conversation when I lose a parent" to "oh please let God pick that exit strategy for me too- she's lucky" to "zero pain, that's the real blessing"- it just amazed me how many could totally relate- and not just that- actually comment on what an amazing person she must have been. These people have never met mom, yet someone commented that if she was doing exactly what she wanted to be doing the day she passed away- she wasn't bogged down with medications and the like- God was kind. Never thought about it that way. But- I will always reference and remember the classmate who told me at Mom's memorial that Mom ran out into the parade while he was on his Harley and gave him a big hug that Sunday afternoon. Not even sure who that guy was- but it proves Mom was serving her community, celebrating life and that was important to her. One of my colleagues I shared mom's story with is the same age as my parents. He said he just wants to show up everyday and live life, and worries (at his age) what might happen to him and how it might go down. He gave his condolences to me about mom and said, "in a way, its an uplifting story to me at my age, doing what she loved to do, plus it being instant and pain free." That's perspective. And it's something I need to hear. He said, "Glad I could help, this life needs some tour guides" and I agree.

Mom's Magic

Mom, two weeks before you passed away you helped raise 22k with Grace Lutheran Church for the annual Mistletoe Magic event. This was taken at the event. I loved hearing the stories about decorating and how you put your personal touch on everything in the showroom. And the crafts you were making! What an achievement. Your love of homemade goodness now lives in many homes. I think of you every day and night and miss you very much. But my heart and mind won't let me believe your spirit is gone. A true reflection of all the good work you did and continue to do in our lives. You should be proud of us mom. We are living proof that you taught us well. I know you. You said, "I'll be fine" and you were spiritually ready for anything that came your way. Thanks for showing us your strength. It gives me strength everyday.
Love,
Lynette