Mom

I was so good at posting stuff until I got the error message like my blog had been hacked. Then for some reason, I fell off and stopped writing only becuase I would write a story only to have it deleted seconds after I tried posting it. A sure fire way to crush your creativity. But then I got to thinking, I should just try again. So here I am. Sigh. So much has happened in the past few months that I know I'll look back and say, this is when I changed. Even though I don't really feel any different at the moment, I know things won't be the same now that my mom passed away. The further I get from the day of her passing the more nervous I get about how I'm going to feel. Now I understand what those moments you'll never get back feel like. I realized this the other day when i was changing James' diaper. I looked at him and realized he was going to grow up. That he can't stay this innocent age forever. He too will have to live without Grammy. Heavy stuff. I haven't processed it all. And even though I take time to think of my mom – it still doesn’t feel like she’s totally gone. In fact, I don’t have a sad heart at all. It’s full from mom’s love. Blinding almost. She told me when she was diagnosed that she knew no matter what happened, she’d be ok. It was us she was worried about. Thanks Mom. You were right! This is harder on us than it is on you. But I know you’re here to help us through and we will keep living each day with you in our hearts – taking care to make sure we are ok. That Dad is ok. That James is ok.